Pooky
A Kira Lorne Novel
Clint is a programmer. Only a programmer would look a deranged human-sized plush animal in the eye, review the contract terms, and decide the logic was sound. The deal was simple: the woman of his dreams would be his, completely and devotedly, until he decided he didn't want her anymore. At which point, soul forfeited. Clint felt good about the math. He signed.
He woke up the next morning and walked straight into Jennifer outside the convention hall. They fell in love immediately. The deal worked exactly as advertised.
Five years later, someone needs to fix the screen door.
Clint
Clint is a thirty-two year old programmer with a porn star girlfriend, a recurring dream demon who hands him monthly receipts, and a new situation developing quietly in the screen door aisle at Lowe's. He is not a bad person. He is a person who read a contract once, felt confident about the terms, and never considered edge cases. The edge cases are now all in the same zip code. He is behind on rent. He is behind on everything. He keeps looking for a logic path that optimizes for every outcome simultaneously and there isn't one.
Jennifer
Her stage name was Pooky. Clint gave her that. Back when she was still the woman he thought hung the moon, which was before the screen door, before the broken garbage disposal, before five years of regular life happened to the fantasy he'd bargained his soul for. She still loves him. She is not going to say that out loud because she is also furious about the screen door. She didn't do anything wrong. She just became a person. That part wasn't in the contract.
Dayla
Dayla works the screen door aisle at Lowe's. She is hot, sarcastic, young, and finds Clint's particular brand of chaos genuinely attractive in a way she can't fully explain and isn't going to overthink. She doesn't mind the demon. She doesn't mind the porn star history. Her actual floor -- the thing she will not move on -- is Clint being a coward about Jennifer's feelings. She is not jealous. She is not dramatic. She just requires basic decency from him, directed at someone else. Clint has never met anyone whose dealbreaker was someone else's feelings. It is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to him.
D43
D43 is Clint's interdimensional account manager, recurring dream presence, and the most genuinely wounded supernatural entity in recorded fiction. She prefers Vera. Her official designation is D43. She has a SoundCloud. The devil has left her three notes about it. She visits Clint in his sleep, hands him receipts, and offers eternity upsells with the casual confidence of someone who has completely lost perspective on what constitutes a reasonable ask. She also bites. It's a thing. Clint picked it up. This has caused problems in the waking world that Dayla is currently very upset about -- not on her own behalf, but on Vera's.
Gerald
Gerald needs the rent. Gerald has seen things. Gerald will never speak of any of it.
*
Dayla adjusts her glasses and sighs.
"OK. Just -- excuse the interruption. Let's get this straight. It's hard to follow."
"Right, so -- the deal I made with the devil--"
"A giant plush animal. Like a bear?"
"Can you be serious."
She snorts. "OK, sorry. Continue. Should I get some NyQuil for this, maybe for the visuals?"
Clint stares.
"OK. Sorry. Continue."
"Right. So this contract -- I get to be with Jennifer--"
"Your porn star girlfriend. Nice girl by the way. Great boots, she--"
"Dayla."
"Right, sorry."
"The devil assigns Vera. That's my name for her. Her official title is D43."
"So like -- there are fifty demons?"
"How would I know."
Silence.
"OK. D43. Sexy vampire lover of yours. She's bitey."
"Well it's not my fault, I didn't ask for any of this--"
Dayla waves it off.
"So. The biting. Vera bites. It's a thing. So I -- I bite a little also. It's our signal. That I'm almost done."
Dayla goes very still.
"Oh. Oh now wait a second. You bit me to signal you were almost finished." She takes her glasses off. "Does Vera -- does the biting flip a switch? Like insta-orgasm?"
"How would I know."
"See, Clint. Now that hurts." She puts her glasses back on. "When Vera is about to -- you know -- scream holy hell or whatever demons feel when they -- and you're biting her because you're almost done. That's a little selfish, don't you think?"
"I don't know, she likes it, she moans, I think it turns her on--"
"Well shit, Clint." Dayla crosses her arms. "I was already upset about Jennifer -- she's lovely and you're sneaking around on her -- but now I'm genuinely upset for Vera." She points. "When you see her tonight, you ask her if she's getting what she needs from these little sex antics of yours."
Clint opens his mouth.
Closes it.
Gerald knocks. Third notice.
*
If you've ever made a deal that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time and then had to explain it to someone in a Lowe's while standing next to the screen door display, this book is for you.